What ho fine folk?
It's time to violently throw open the doors, light a makeshift torch from rags soaked in oil and to explore the dark, chaotic world that is my film watching life.
Depending on how much energy I have, it is my intention write a brief diary of films I have watched the proceeding week and to briefly review them. Hopefully, this will be intercut with witty vignettes and interesting asides. Hopefully. I am full of hope.
With these cards on the table and ignoring a full house of housemates, I plough on. (insert 'Your Mum joke' here)
Sorry. I'll try to be mature too. Where appropriate.
(I'll also not be noting specific times and dates of watching these films, partially because it requires a frankly inhuman level of organisational skills and secondly, I don't want to tell you if I watched three crap films in one night.)
Onwards!
Nanny (1965)
Kids are shit aren't they? What dicks! You see them in the street, if they're not being lazy, sat in some chair or another gurgling harsh commands like Jabba the Hutt, they're throwing bricks through front windows of Footlocker because they're too stupid to realise there's more to life than the illegal acquisition of trainers. Trainer they'd wear whilst they shuffle, zombie like through the world around them like the rest of us.
That's why I have no kids of my own.
This does tie into a brief review of this 1965 Hammer Horror/Seven Arts production by the way, it wasn't entirely baseless. The kid in this film is a shit, an A* Grade shit. As you can see, the poster above asks 'Who would you trust....the nanny or the boy?'. Even if the film showed the Nanny carving up small animals whilst chanting to Baal, Lord of Destruction (which it doesn't), I'd still probably trust the Nanny over the child, just because he's a loud, stroppy, arrogant little arse.
The actress who plays Nanny is the always reliable Bette Davis, an actress who has never shied away from unconventional roles in pursuit of an acting challenge. Her acting career covered many decades and roles as varied as it's possible to imagine. In this film, she is extremely subtle. An eyebrow here, a flash of emotion in a gaze here and a slight pause before a line highlight an extremely capable actress and the film (and it's successes) rest almost entirely on her shoulders. The supporting cast of Wendy Craig and William Nix are fine enough but are written into the sidelines. In almost every scene, Bette's Nanny is present and she is a joy to watch.
Without giving away spoilers, the film ends in a mildly disappointing fashion and overall, the film has the feel of a Hitchcock homage not up to Hitchcock's standards (very few films achieve this) but it is an interesting watch and with a running time just over 90 minutes, a well paced film that never outstays it's welcome.
Seven out of Ten tantrums.
Dracula, Prince of Darkness (1966)
Another Hammer Horror film. This in a more traditional and stereotypical 'Hammer Horror' vein. Hammer staple Christopher Lee stars as Dracula (who else?) being 'killed' at the start of the film with a rather clever use of special effects. But being Dracula, if me saying that he doesn't stay dead is actually a spoiler for you, tough.
Cue grizzled Abbott interrupting a funeral of a young girl ten years later. Taking action when the girl is about to be (gasp!) staked through the heart. We then are introduced to four English tourists (charmingly named the Kents), who travel to an ominous castle and an eerie man called Klove.
Peter Cushing aside, this film has every hallmark of a classic Hammer Horror film. The production values are surprisingly high, with elaborate costumes and the castle interiors are fantastic. The acting has a camp value to it which makes it extremely watchable. The Kents have English accents that I couldn't achieve through years of hard practice. Played by Barbara Shelley, Francis Matthews, Suzan Farmer and Charles Tingwell are stiff, polite and unaware. As their fate approaches, you somehow feel that they are undeserving, you end up liking them. It's a nice effect.
All in all, a charmingly old fashioned and very enjoyable vampire film. Christopher Lee is wonderful (even though he has no lines). Not for everyone though.
Three out of Four english tourists.
Scary Movie 3 (2003)
....yeeaaaaahhhhh. Sorry about this. It was late, I was tired and I was desperate.
Scary Movie 1, hilarious. Scary Movie 2, pretty good. Funny in a tasteless way.
Scary Movie 3, damn. It's a parody of The Ring mostly, with Signs, The Matrix and 8 Mile. Remember those films? Good. The only funny parts come mostly from the 8 Mile parodies, with Simon Rex actually doing quite a good Eminem impression. A large cast of names (include the late, great Chairman of the Board: Leslie Nielson), and you can't help but be impressed at the roster of cameos, including Simon Cowell (who gets shot, hooray! He's a celebrity that people don't like. That's the joke!) and Fat Joe, who rap battles Simon Rex.
At best, 1 out of 3
AWOL (in the UK)/Lionheart (Rest of the World) (1990)
Oh Jean Claude! An oft-forgotten action film star with a surprisingly small number of martial arts moves. Watch Steven Seagal and you'll see him do some crazy stuff, Jean Claude Van Damme (JCVD for future) always seems like a character you play in Street Fighter where you just spam the one move. His kicks are potent, but overused.
Apart from Kickboxer, Lionheart is one of JCVD's best known films. A healthy dose of fighting, implausible story to write JCVD into fights and a strain of anti-Yuppie sentiment. A French Foreign Legionnaire, JCVD flees to New York to visit his dying brother who was burned alive in a drug deal gone wrong. To find his way to LA (where his brother is), he needs money and through a streetwise manager enters the world of bareknuckle boxing (yeah.). He gets fame and money and gets to LA but then has MORE fights for a hot, blonde rich woman who grooms him as her personal fighter.
The fight quality varies from being extremely good (JCVDs fight with a scottish man stands out!) to being almost laughable (versus some huge man mountain who takes all his punches and kicks).
This film had a bizarre effect on me though. The last fight scene in the film was weak, so weak it actually made me laugh out loud. But afterwards, there was an emotional scene between JCVD and his manager that was ACTUALLY emotional. It was at this point I realised that 90% of the film was crap. The plot, the acting, all weak, but 10% worked. It was the manager (Harrison Page) that had a core of actual humanity about him, and it was this that I cared about. This one single character.
One of of Four punches.
Phew! Just over a thousand words and a few hours later. I am exhausted.
Will try to keep this up though, but remember my mantra:
I watch some terrible films, so don't judge me.
Bon nuit!
