A fine and merry evening to you all.
Those familiar with my increasingly sexy body of evidence will have noted the two entries, 17 and 18 (I've hyperlinked them for those people too lazy to click back to them) dealt with upcoming films coming out in this fine anno domini, 2012.
I am now going to whip the old rug out from under feet as I present the slightly more entertaining:
2012 or Why This Year Might Be Hilarious For Films.
Starting with......
Wrath of the Titans (Release Date: 30/03/12)
Yeah, feel that Wrath!
Anyway, have you actually seen 2010's Clash of the Titans? It had potential but was badly let down by several irritating points, the first and main one being that it was shit.
Considering it was a film involving hairy men and half-gods fighting brutal CGI creations with a cast that is incredible on paper (seriously!), it was really really dull. So many characters looked rugged, hairy and gruff that you found it hard to distinguish Perseus from Draco, Eusebius from Solon and Zeus from Hades. Which is a shame, the CGI impresses but the centerpiece of the film was always the Kraken, which on Google is impossible to find a picture of with its mouth closed.
Mum? Mum? Mum? Over here Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mom? Mother? Mum look? Mum?
It seems that the main centerpiece of CGI for the sequel is a Titan.
But the CGI is impressive but it's not backed up by characters or a script that works. Even if they took the film in a more loving, camp direction it may have worked but it does for the whole 'gritty' edge with can work very well but without script or characters that flourish, it falls flat.
Once again, it looks to be a brainless film. The original Lobotomy of the Titan took nearly $485 million box office worldwide, easily beating it's production costs. They've chucked another $75 million at this so we'll see where that goes.
Trailer:
G.I Joe: Retaliation (Release Date: 22/06/12)
Have you actually seen the 2009 film, G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra? It reminded me of that scene from The Abyss where the water forms up into a tube and interacts with the crew but instead it's raw stupidity forming together to make a fist to punch me repeatedly in the face.
Pow! Right in the kisser.
It was almost offensive. Again, similar to Clash of the Titans above, it had action and set-pieces galore but it was so bland. You could tell it was based on a toy line, you may as well have stop-motioned the dolls themselves Wallace and Gromit style and acheived the same effect. Instead you had a reasonable cast being wasted on hilariously poor script and story.
But again, sequel time.
An even bigger and more impressive cast this time starring the favourites from the first film in addition to The Rock and Bruce Willis. The one hope for this film is the Rock, doing his Fast Five bit of being incredibly good fun to watch, sweating and muscle popping his way through the film.
The film looks again to be filled with RETARDED action, a ninja fight on a rock-face....really?
Punching, swords, little exploding balls, guns, planes, motorbikes, badman men, sexy cleavage showing women, they know EXACTLY who they're marketing towards.
Watch the trailer: (Either you'll be grinning like an idiot or mashing the spacebar with your forehead in a vain attempt to suicide.)
Music is Glitch Mob's remix of Seven Nation Army.....easily the best thing in that trailer. No doubt!
The Three Stooges (Release Date: 15/06/12)
First of all here's the trailer for this comedy film:
Did you laugh? I didn't.
When my eyes had un-glazed themselves I panicked because I'd briefly thought I'd fallen into some level of nightmare where I'd never hear laughter again.
The ONLY good thing about that trailer is Kate Upton. Fact!
Snooki from Jersey Shore cameo? Grim? I stopped thinking pokes in the eyes were funny when I got poked in the goddam eye for the first time.
I may be in the minority but I've never seen any of the OLD Three Stooges, at all. Not even Youtubed it. I could. But I won't.
I may give this film a miss is the simple way of saying what I'm feeling inside.
And Finally (thank god!)
47 Ronin (Release Date: 21/11/12)
The revenge of the 47 Ronin is one of the most loved, most narrated Japanese tales of the Samurai and their Bushido code.
This is a Samurai film starring Keanu Reeves and set in a world 'of witches and giants'....
I'll keep my eyes open but the odds are stacked against this one.